No Rain, No Rainbows

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The other day I bought a homeless man some lunch, and I talked to him for a bit while we ate. He didn't say much, but I could tell he's down on his luck and recently homeless. He was surprised I bought him a burger, and I told him it was no big deal. I told him I know I don't know what's going on in his life, but without rain there would be no rainbows. He gave me a warm smile and a confused but hopeful look before I had to take off. Leaving him behind, I started to think about my own life.

2014 had been a really hard year for me, both with health and personal relationships. Then again, I've felt the same way since 2010. And it's only now that I'm starting to come to terms with it.

All my life I've had struggle after struggle with health and personal relationships. I know I'm very quirky, and my personality does not suit my gender at all. I've been told many times that, and it's never not hurt. I'm adopted, I lost my parents when I was really young.

In 2010 I struggled a lot with how I felt, I was severely bullied in elementary school to where I'm still getting over many things. I still don't feel like I have a good grasp on my emotions, and I'm always constantly scared about losing people. It showed a lot in high school when I projected how I felt onto others, not listening and not realizing that what I was doing wasn't OK.

In 2011, I still was dealing with the same things, but now I was questioning who my friends were. I didn't feel welcome at school, I struggled with health where later I would be diagnosed with narcolepsy, and I started losing people who I thought were my friends.

By 2012 I thought I had a grasp on everything and things were finally going my way. I was doing well in school, I knew what I wanted in life and how to get it, and my future looked bright. By my birthday I found out the guy I was dating was cheating on me, and it flipped me into a downward spiral I don't think I ever got of.

2013 was a year of major heartbreak when my friend Ajay passed away 2 months after my birthday, and 2 months after that I lost my grandfather. I completely lost my way, and graduated with the help of my adopted mom and friends. I started SSU and thought I finally found my home. I loved the vineyards, that SF was only 40 minutes away, and my classes. I made a fantastic friend who, now looking back, I realized I clung to too close because I was already afraid I was losing my oldest friends and was afraid of being alone.

2014 comes around and I'm diagnosed with narcolepsy and had many intense health scares, including a small cancer scare with my skin. And normally I never would say this, but I was also diagnosed with PTSD. I finally started getting the help I didn't realize I needed for everything and thought I finally was going the right way in life. I ended up having a few major fallouts with people I called my best friends, and found out that the life I thought I had was a bit of a lie. By Christmas I was crying a lot, and like I had for years questioned why I was still here. Nothing good happens to me, and I'm tired of feeling alone.

After giving the homeless man lunch, I started thinking back towards everything that had happened to me and realized that, in the end, maybe it's best to let go and let life fall into place, even if it's places I don't necessarily want. I have to realize that where there are bad things, there are good, and I can only get to that point if I learn to let go and just enjoy life as it is. And to be honest, I'm okay with it. I thought I wasn't, but in the end I know it's what's best. If I end up being alone for a while then so be it, the people who will love and care will always come back or never leave at all.

I'm learning to let go of my fears, my worries, and the people who maybe don't want to stay in my life. I can't force people and things to be in my life, and that it's okay to be alone. Being alone doesn't mean I'm weak, it just means being able to take a deep breath and see what happens while thinking and coming to terms with myself. I know it's stupid to realize this nearly 5+ years later, but I suppose it's better now than never.

And finally, I'm starting to love the person I see in the mirror, flaws and all. I know it's time to put things on the back burner or away for good to focus on myself. It's been the hardest lesson I've had to learn, but I know I can survive this just as I had done every year when I was ready to give up. And looking back at the homeless man I met, I realized I should follow my own advice. Without rain, there would be no rainbows. And I think I've finally found my rainbow.

Thank you everyone who has stuck with me through the good and bad and watched me grow as a person, even if it hasn't been easy. You are all saints and I love you all so much, and I hope you all find your rainbows soon enough. I'm always here for you to laugh and cry, and I'm more than happy to give you a shoulder to cry on or a hand to hold while you're finding your own rainbow if you haven't found it yet. Trust me, it's there. Even if it takes a while to find it, it's there. I promise.

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AdventureHobbit3791's avatar
Wow, I'm so happy that things are going well for you! I'm sure that you changed that man's point of view on life, or at least made an impact on him. I swear, I think you could write a book. You're a strong spirit, positivity is the best thing ever.